The definition of Staubvious

Alabama is the best team in the nation. Even though Texas is a bad matchup for them, I expect the Tide to claim their eighth national championship in a very close game. But if there is justice in this world, Alabama will have to wait another year (or two, when Trent Richardson makes a run) to claim its first Heisman Trophy.

Mark Ingram had a very nice season. But being the best offensive player (arguably) on the best team does not cinch the Heisman for you. Especially if offense is the weakest of your team's three units (inarguably).

I love that people act as if Ingram was special against Florida. He was good, but that's it. To put it in perspective, Ingram rushed for 4.0 yards per carry yesterday. Toby Gerhart's WORST ypc day was 4.4 this season.

Never mind that Gerhart had 196 more rushing yards and 11 more touchdowns in one fewer game. The damning argument against Ingram is that he was rarely the best player on his own team against Bama’s elite opponents. Against the six best teams the Tide played (VT, Ole Miss, Tennessee, LSU, Auburn, Florida), Ingram had a total of five TDs. Three were yesterday.

Did Gerhart have a similar problem? Let’s see. Here are Gerhart’s rushing numbers against the best opponents he played:
200 yards, 1 TD
96 yards, 2 TD
123 yards, 2 TD
223 yards, 3 TD
178 yards, 3 TD
136 yards, 4 TD
205 yards, 3 TD (also a passing TD)

To make it simple, Gerhart had two fewer touchdowns in November alone than Ingram had all season.

A dumb argument is that Ingram played much tougher competition. Um, no. First of all, the Pac-10 is far and away the second best conference in college football. Both are wrong, but a person who says the Pac-10 is better than the SEC is less insane than someone who says the Pac-10 is the 3rd best conference. Secondly, Alabama played Florida International, North Texas and Chattanooga.

Stanford ranked opponents: 6 out of 12
Alabama ranked opponents: 5 out of 13

People are saying this year’s Heisman race is as close as it’s been in a long time. For me, Gerhart this year is the most obvious vote since Ricky Williams in 1998. Unless you are willing to vote for a defensive player — and few players on that side of the ball have ever been as deserving as Suh is this year — the only answer is Toby Gerhart.

A boy named Suh

Names matter. Don't kid yourself. You won't find a rocket scientist named Hank or a bum named Colin.

College football awards finalists announced today. My picks/comments:

Chuck Bednarik Award — Best defensive player
Actual nominees: Terrence Cody (Alabama), Brandon Spikes (Florida), Ndamukong Suh (Nebraska)
My nominees: Rolando McClain (Alabama), Gerald McCoy (Oklahoma), Suh

First of all, Suh should obviously win. Let's get that out of the way real quick. If he doesn't, it's only because ESPN rigs the vote so no one has to try to pronounce "Ndamukong" — funny, my spellchecker didn't recognize Ndamukong as a word.

The other nominees are my complaint. I understand that Alabama and Florida have outstanding defenses. And Cody and Spikes are the most recognized nationally. But McClain and Joe Haden are the best players on those respective defenses. And it hurts not to have Eric Berry on the list, but I just feel the other three guys are the most dominant.

Biletnikoff Award — best wide receiver
Actual nominees: Freddie Barnes (Bowling Green), Jordan Shipley (Texas), Golden Tate (Notre Dame)
My nominees: Barnes, Shipley, Danario Alexader (Missouri)

No real problem with nominees. Golden Tate is a very good player and playing for the Golden Domers, he's obviously receiving a lot of hype. I like Alexander better because he doesn't have a first-round draft pick throwing him the ball and he has made several highlight reel catches. Plus he has better numbers.

It's really a two-man race. Shipley will win, Barnes should.

Lou Groza Award — Best kicker
Actual nominees: Kai Forbath (UCLA), Leigh Tiffin (Alabama), Blair Walsh (Georgia)
My nominees: The same.

No arguing that these are the three best kickers in the nation. Walsh has the biggest leg, Tiffin has made the most crucial kicks, but Forbath is the best kicker. Plus, guys named Blair or Leigh (not Lee) are generally assholes.

Ray Guy Award — Best punter
Actual nominees: Drew Butler (Georgia), Zoltan Mesko (Michigan), Chas Henry (Florida)
My nominees: Zoltan Mesko (Michigan), Zoltan Mesko (Michigan), Zoltan Mesko (Michigan)

Mesko is the best punter I've seen since Colquitt. (And how does Florida's punter make this list? What's he punted this year, five times?) Plus, punters are like hot women. Not that much really separates them, so a name can make them more attractive.

If you have three women of similar attractiveness, Alexis is going to be more appealing than Susan or Jennifer. In the same vein, Zoltan is going to make a punter seem better than ... well, anybody.

Maxwell Award - Best all-around player
Actual nominees: Mark Ingram (Alabama), Tim Tebow (Florida), Colt McCoy (Texas)
My nominees: Suh, Ingram, Toby Gerhart (Stanford)

Ingram and Gerhart are close, I can accept either one as the Heisman winner. My personal preference is Gerhart, but Ingram can change that if he dominates Auburn. Either way, Suh is far and away the best all-around player in college football. I bet McCoy wins this award though. Sympathy and shit.

Davey O'Brien Award - Best QB
Actual nominees: Case Keenum (Houston), Tebow, McCoy
My nominees: Keenum, Andrew Luck (Stanford), Jeremiah Masoli (Oregon)

I'm not big on these non-BCS quarterbacks who throw for 5,000 yards and 50 touchdowns against weak competition, but Keenum does have some nice comebacks and beat a potential BCS team on the road. Tebow and McCoy have no business winning this award. Keenum by default.

Outland Trophy — Best interior lineman
It's Suh. Duh. (Despite the spelling, those words don't rhyme.)

Jim Thorpe Award — Best defensive back
Actual nominees: Berry, Haden, Earl Thomas (Texas)
My nominees: Berry, Haden, Perrish Cox (Oklahoma State)

Six of one, half a dozen of the other between the two SEC guys. I actually think Cox is the best pure cover corner, but Haden and Berry get involved in the run game and are exceptional blitzers.

Doak Walker Award — Best running back
Actual nominees: — Gerhart, Ingram, C.J. Spiller (Clemson)
My nominees: — Gerhart, Ingram, Spiller

I like them in the order they are written above. But it's like 9.75, 9.7, 9.6.

Straight cash homie

+12















+9.5















+6.5










-8






I'm a fan of three other Big 10 home pups this week as well: Northwestern +7, Indiana +3 and Michigan St. +3.

BYU beats the hell out of Air Force every year, but I think this year taking 10 points with the Flyboys is the right way to go. Wouldn't be a bit surprised with an outright victory for AFA.

Hate to say it, but I think Texas Tech getting 6.5 at home from the inept Oklahoma offense (ignore last week, that may as well have been against a deaf and blind school) is very generous.

A pissed-off Houston team at -23.5 is a bargain against a hapless Memphis team. The Cougars won't be able to stop scoring.

But LFC -115 may be the best bet of the day. The Reds will re-assert themselves as a legitimate top four contender and show Man City still has some work to do to be on that level.

Coty Blanchard > Chuck Norris

A while back I received a 50-cent piece in change after a late-night run to McDonald’s. That led to my posting this on Twitter:

I've answered no to the question, "You want me to go down on you?" but I'll never answer no to "You want a half-dollar?"

I was exaggerating. Mildly. After much struggling, I think I can envision a scenario where I refuse a 50-cent piece. But I could never pass up the opportunity to praise Coty Blanchard.

Thus, I knew what I had to do when I received this message from co-Blanchard devotee/co-worker Kevin Jeffers: Just filed the most dick-sucking coty blanchard story ever.

Watching Coty Blanchard throw a pass is enough to bring a straight man to orgasm.

In fact, if I was gay and Justin Timberlake and Coty Blanchard both wanted me … sorry Justin. I loved “Dick in a Box”, “Mother Lover” and even admit that I like a lot of your music, you're absurdly attractive, but c’mon, it’s Coty Blanchard.

Coty Blanchard has 4.4.4 speed. He can run the 40-meter dash in 4.4 seconds with 4 defenders latched onto him.

One time I saw Coty Blanchard break two tackles at the line of scrimmage, plow over the middle linebacker, stiff arm one defensive back and then outrun the rest of the defensive backs for a 65-yard touchdown. That’s not even hyperbole, just pure awesomeness.

Western Kentucky would be #1 in the nation if Coty Blanchard was playing quarterback. Instead of being 0 and 10, the Hilltoppers would be 47 and -37.

I would rather Coty Blanchard start for Oklahoma next year than Sam Bradford. (And I would rather slit my wrists than watch Landry Jones ever take another snap in a Sooner uniform.)

We’ll find out how good a coach Tripp Curry is next year working with Matthew Banks at Gadsden City. That’s the equivalent of banging Roseanne a year after you were banging Emmanuelle Chriqui.

Coty Blanchard is to Centre, Ala. what Brett Favre is to Green Bay, Wis. Elvis is to Tupelo, Miss.

My newest man-crush

I was born in Tulsa, so naturally I'm an Oklahoma fan. Since moving to the southeast in 1995, I've been searching for a team in the SEC to call my second team. In recent years I've vascillated between Alabama, Auburn and Georgia because of various relationships in which I've been involved. As the relationship with the women would fail, so would my relationship with the team.

The team that always offered the most was Tennessee. I never was able to fully care how the team did - unless I was monetarily invested - but I always was lured to them a bit. The maternal side of my family tree has ties all over the state and several members of said tree bleed orange.

The problem for me was always Fat Phil Fulmer. Constantly miserable, repeatedly outcoached, not likeable by any stretch of the imagination ... it made it impossible for me to become seriously invested in the Vols.

But that era is behind Tennessee now, and a glorious dawn is on the horizon, thanks to Lane Kiffin.

I started to like Kiffin after the way he handled being fired from the Raiders. (For those who don't know, a general rule of thumb is that if Al Davis fires you, you will proceed to do great things in another job.) He took the high road, let Davis make himself look like a clown, and won the respect of people across the football landscape.

But it's not that Kiffin is scared of conflict. Far from it. He has sent shockwaves through the SEC with his brashness, starting with talking about how he was going to sing "Rocky Top" all night after beating Florida this year. Again, it's the perfect tactic, even though in a moment of honesty Kiffin would have admitted that was about as likely as the Raiders winning the Super Bowl.

Florida's Urban Meyer is a slick character, a coach who is virtually never rattled and a man who seemingly has an answer for everything. Somehow Kiffin has found a way to own him in their verbal jousts to the extent that Meyer was making excuses for his team - who had three starters bothered by the flu - after beating Tennessee last weekend.

Kiffin's answer? "I don't know. I guess we'll wait and after we're not excited about a performance, we'll tell you everybody was sick."

Such a perfect answer. I can only imagine Meyer's rage. Kudos to him for finally having the sense to realize he has no chance of winning a battle of wits against Kiffin. Which begs the question, Why ever get involved in a war of words with a team predicted to finish near the bottom of the SEC?

Because the two men are so similar. Because Kiffin is going to do for Tennessee what Meyer has done for Florida.

This year's Tennessee team is saddled with the worst starting quarterback I've ever seen in the SEC - with all due disrespect to former Mississippi State starter Michael Henig - and the Vols still played Florida nearly even. Kiffin is already bringing in star recruits from all over the country. His California connections (he was a former assistant under Pete Carroll at USC) and his charisma mean that it won't be long until he can sing "Rocky Top" all night after beating Florida.