Coty Blanchard > Chuck Norris

A while back I received a 50-cent piece in change after a late-night run to McDonald’s. That led to my posting this on Twitter:

I've answered no to the question, "You want me to go down on you?" but I'll never answer no to "You want a half-dollar?"

I was exaggerating. Mildly. After much struggling, I think I can envision a scenario where I refuse a 50-cent piece. But I could never pass up the opportunity to praise Coty Blanchard.

Thus, I knew what I had to do when I received this message from co-Blanchard devotee/co-worker Kevin Jeffers: Just filed the most dick-sucking coty blanchard story ever.

Watching Coty Blanchard throw a pass is enough to bring a straight man to orgasm.

In fact, if I was gay and Justin Timberlake and Coty Blanchard both wanted me … sorry Justin. I loved “Dick in a Box”, “Mother Lover” and even admit that I like a lot of your music, you're absurdly attractive, but c’mon, it’s Coty Blanchard.

Coty Blanchard has 4.4.4 speed. He can run the 40-meter dash in 4.4 seconds with 4 defenders latched onto him.

One time I saw Coty Blanchard break two tackles at the line of scrimmage, plow over the middle linebacker, stiff arm one defensive back and then outrun the rest of the defensive backs for a 65-yard touchdown. That’s not even hyperbole, just pure awesomeness.

Western Kentucky would be #1 in the nation if Coty Blanchard was playing quarterback. Instead of being 0 and 10, the Hilltoppers would be 47 and -37.

I would rather Coty Blanchard start for Oklahoma next year than Sam Bradford. (And I would rather slit my wrists than watch Landry Jones ever take another snap in a Sooner uniform.)

We’ll find out how good a coach Tripp Curry is next year working with Matthew Banks at Gadsden City. That’s the equivalent of banging Roseanne a year after you were banging Emmanuelle Chriqui.

Coty Blanchard is to Centre, Ala. what Brett Favre is to Green Bay, Wis. Elvis is to Tupelo, Miss.