Smokin’

Where there’s smoke, there’s not always fire.

One of my former neighbors was convinced I was fooling around with his girlfriend because we spent a lot of time together when he was gone and because we were close friends.

But really, that’s what it was.

I don’t think the same holds true for the world of sports. Quick checklist: Rose? Check. McGwire? Check. A-Rod? Check. Armstrong? Check.

In fact, when I think of every time I’ve ever had reason to think an athlete, coach or organization was doing something illicit, I’ve been proven right. The only possible exception would be the Duke lacrosse scandal, but I don’t think that proves anything other than that bitches will do anything for money and/or attention.

This brings me to Cam Newton. While I don’t care about Auburn too much – I don’t care if they win the national title or lose out, frankly – it’s a subject worth addressing.

Here’s what gets me. There are actually Auburn fans who don’t think Cam (or, more likely, Cecil) Newton took money from Auburn! Their reason for being indignant is usually something along the lines of, “Why is it just coming out now?”

Well, because investigative journalism isn’t an overnight process and that is usually what is required for the NCAA to open an investigation of their own. Southern California was put on probation THIS YEAR for a similar situation that happened involving Reggie Bush in 2005.

The other excuse from the outraged Auburn fans is that Mississippi State is jealous and hates Auburn.

Here’s the problem with that. Phil Fullmer hated Alabama and Bama fans said the same thing about him when Fullmer helped the NCAA expose Alabama for paying players. But, oh yeah, he was right. Do you know why he was right?

Because you don’t make up allegations to the NCAA. It’s career suicide and makes no sense for a program on the rise.

Remember, it was last year that Dez Bryant was suspended for a year for lying about having dinner with Deion Sanders. Bryant was able to recover to the tune of winning the ROYFPNNSB (Rookie of the Year for People Not Named Sam Bradford). A program, hell, an individual coach, would receive a much harsher penalty and could not recover for years.

All I ask is this, Auburn fans. Don’t be irrational. You (correctly, in most cases) think Alabama fans are irrational for their exaggerated claims of national titles and Bear Bryant’s coaching ability.

I’ve been told by someone with connections to Alabama that Julio Jones is “100 percent being paid to play for Alabama.” You know my reaction? I didn’t bat an eye. If I’m being honest, I’m quite certain that Oklahoma is paying several players. Even the most optimistic Auburn fan can’t be so holier-than-thou as to think the Tigers would not do the same to join those teams in the nation's elite.

Oh, and while I’m being honest, I did fool around with that girl a little. So yeah, where there’s smoke, there is fire.

Playoffs?!?!

True/false quiz:

1. The best NFL team won the Super Bowl last year.

2. The best college basketball team won the national championship last year.

3. The best college football team won the national championship last year.

Answers: 1. False 2. False 3. True

Why do we want a playoff again? Oh yeah, because it's the only fair way to determine a champion. Except that, you know, playoffs don't do that at all.

Have you watched March Madness? Like, ever? The minor conference teams are interesting for a weekend, but they don't win it. Butler was a rare exception to even make the final because of a weak field last season (hell, they trailed at halftime to UTEP in their first-round game), but even they didn't win it.

The last champion from a non-major conference was in 1966. It was, coincidentally, the precursor to UTEP, Texas Western. Texas Western won because they played black players in an era when the big schools were afraid to do so (There's actually a pretty good movie about this).

Furthermore, since 1990, no fewer than SIXTEEN champions have been #1 seeds. Two #2 seeds and #3 seeds won the title, while Lute Olson's 1997 Arizona team won the title as (GASP!) a #4 seed.

As you may have guessed, I'm something of a college basketball fanatic. It has historically been my most profitable sport from a gambling perspective, but it is also the only sport I can enjoy watching without having a wager or rooting interest. But unless you are a die-hard like me, you don't know that the season starts in three days. You don't know that #5 Ohio State and #11 Florida play in under two weeks' time.

Hell, why would you? It's not like the game matters.

Do you know why I love college football? It's because after Oklahoma stumbled and bumbled its way to a loss against Missouri, I was truly heartbroken. I was completely inconsolable for quite a while. It meant so much to Oklahoma, and vicariously, to me, that it left me with the kind of feeling usually reserved for devious women.

I feel like Walter Sobchak. "Has the whole world gone crazy?" EVERYONE wants a playoff. But you don't know what you're asking for. It will ruin the game we know and love and make it like college basketball.

Back to the Ohio State/Florida game that at least 26 other people in America are anticipating: Yesterday, I saw an advertisement for college basketball. Was it for this game, or some other huge upcoming game? No. It was for March Madness. Which, as the more intelligent among you may know, is in March.

Can you imagine a world where Alabama loses to South Carolina and the fans have an "Oh well, we'll get them next time" attitude?

Well, you should be able to imagine it. Kentucky basketball fans are pretty similar to Alabama football fans, and that was about their reaction when the Gamecocks handed the Wildcats their first loss last season. Why? Because Kentucky still made the playoff.

But neither they nor Kansas (the best team) won, or even played for, the title because of bad matchups and bad days. We want to decide college football's national champion this way? Come on man.

I don't buy the excuses the NCAA gives for keeping the BCS. More games, less studying, blah, blah, blah. I'll let a better writer than myself refute those. While I despise the NCAA to the core because of their ridiculous rulings on things such as the Dez Bryant case last year, it is so obvious they have this correct.

They came up with the most fair system for determining the two best teams to play for the title. Is it perfect? Of course not. But is it better than the old way, which saw #1 and #2 rarely playing each other and would send Boise to the Humanitarian Bowl every year? By a landslide. And is better than throwing drastically inferior teams into some wacky playoff to satisfy people's delusions? By another landslide.

Here's a thought, Boise. Join a major conference like Utah did. If you envision yourself as a football school, there is no reason for you not to be in the Pac-10, Pac-12 or whatever the hell they are going to call it. Do you think you couldn't have joined over Colo-fucking-rado?

But no.

Just like it was better for Auburn to have been left out of the 2004 BCS title game than to have been ripped apart by the best college football team of the past 15 years, it's better for these small teams not to know.

It is better for Boise and TCU to play 9 or 10 cupcakes every year and then bitch and moan when a one-loss Alabama, Oklahoma or Nebraska is chosen over them. Deep down they know that they only have a couple players who could even make the two-deep for those teams. They know that if they played a motivated 12-1 team from the SEC or Big XII, they would get blown off the field.

Utah has it right. They understand the system and are doing something about it. Will they ever win the national title? Maybe, maybe not. But they are giving themselves a chance.

The American way isn't to give everyone a chance. It's to give everyone a chance who works to deserve a chance. The Boise State's of the world just don't.

EDITOR'S NOTE: For those who would argue #3 was false, that Texas was the best college football team last year ... well, I agree that had McCoy played four quarters, the Longhorns were the favorite to win. But here's the kicker. The BCS gave Texas its deserved chance for the title. A playoff would only increase these kind of injuries that do exactly what the Utopian playoff is supposed to prevent - the best teams having a chance to be champions.

Tribute to a legend

Getting Poster-tagged:

By the best:


By the historically overrated:


By a guy with an apostrophe in his name:


By a soon to be swept Eddie Jones:


By a guy who would soon change his name to Bison Dele:


Ahhh, the good ol' days.

The definition of Staubvious

Alabama is the best team in the nation. Even though Texas is a bad matchup for them, I expect the Tide to claim their eighth national championship in a very close game. But if there is justice in this world, Alabama will have to wait another year (or two, when Trent Richardson makes a run) to claim its first Heisman Trophy.

Mark Ingram had a very nice season. But being the best offensive player (arguably) on the best team does not cinch the Heisman for you. Especially if offense is the weakest of your team's three units (inarguably).

I love that people act as if Ingram was special against Florida. He was good, but that's it. To put it in perspective, Ingram rushed for 4.0 yards per carry yesterday. Toby Gerhart's WORST ypc day was 4.4 this season.

Never mind that Gerhart had 196 more rushing yards and 11 more touchdowns in one fewer game. The damning argument against Ingram is that he was rarely the best player on his own team against Bama’s elite opponents. Against the six best teams the Tide played (VT, Ole Miss, Tennessee, LSU, Auburn, Florida), Ingram had a total of five TDs. Three were yesterday.

Did Gerhart have a similar problem? Let’s see. Here are Gerhart’s rushing numbers against the best opponents he played:
200 yards, 1 TD
96 yards, 2 TD
123 yards, 2 TD
223 yards, 3 TD
178 yards, 3 TD
136 yards, 4 TD
205 yards, 3 TD (also a passing TD)

To make it simple, Gerhart had two fewer touchdowns in November alone than Ingram had all season.

A dumb argument is that Ingram played much tougher competition. Um, no. First of all, the Pac-10 is far and away the second best conference in college football. Both are wrong, but a person who says the Pac-10 is better than the SEC is less insane than someone who says the Pac-10 is the 3rd best conference. Secondly, Alabama played Florida International, North Texas and Chattanooga.

Stanford ranked opponents: 6 out of 12
Alabama ranked opponents: 5 out of 13

People are saying this year’s Heisman race is as close as it’s been in a long time. For me, Gerhart this year is the most obvious vote since Ricky Williams in 1998. Unless you are willing to vote for a defensive player — and few players on that side of the ball have ever been as deserving as Suh is this year — the only answer is Toby Gerhart.

A boy named Suh

Names matter. Don't kid yourself. You won't find a rocket scientist named Hank or a bum named Colin.

College football awards finalists announced today. My picks/comments:

Chuck Bednarik Award — Best defensive player
Actual nominees: Terrence Cody (Alabama), Brandon Spikes (Florida), Ndamukong Suh (Nebraska)
My nominees: Rolando McClain (Alabama), Gerald McCoy (Oklahoma), Suh

First of all, Suh should obviously win. Let's get that out of the way real quick. If he doesn't, it's only because ESPN rigs the vote so no one has to try to pronounce "Ndamukong" — funny, my spellchecker didn't recognize Ndamukong as a word.

The other nominees are my complaint. I understand that Alabama and Florida have outstanding defenses. And Cody and Spikes are the most recognized nationally. But McClain and Joe Haden are the best players on those respective defenses. And it hurts not to have Eric Berry on the list, but I just feel the other three guys are the most dominant.

Biletnikoff Award — best wide receiver
Actual nominees: Freddie Barnes (Bowling Green), Jordan Shipley (Texas), Golden Tate (Notre Dame)
My nominees: Barnes, Shipley, Danario Alexader (Missouri)

No real problem with nominees. Golden Tate is a very good player and playing for the Golden Domers, he's obviously receiving a lot of hype. I like Alexander better because he doesn't have a first-round draft pick throwing him the ball and he has made several highlight reel catches. Plus he has better numbers.

It's really a two-man race. Shipley will win, Barnes should.

Lou Groza Award — Best kicker
Actual nominees: Kai Forbath (UCLA), Leigh Tiffin (Alabama), Blair Walsh (Georgia)
My nominees: The same.

No arguing that these are the three best kickers in the nation. Walsh has the biggest leg, Tiffin has made the most crucial kicks, but Forbath is the best kicker. Plus, guys named Blair or Leigh (not Lee) are generally assholes.

Ray Guy Award — Best punter
Actual nominees: Drew Butler (Georgia), Zoltan Mesko (Michigan), Chas Henry (Florida)
My nominees: Zoltan Mesko (Michigan), Zoltan Mesko (Michigan), Zoltan Mesko (Michigan)

Mesko is the best punter I've seen since Colquitt. (And how does Florida's punter make this list? What's he punted this year, five times?) Plus, punters are like hot women. Not that much really separates them, so a name can make them more attractive.

If you have three women of similar attractiveness, Alexis is going to be more appealing than Susan or Jennifer. In the same vein, Zoltan is going to make a punter seem better than ... well, anybody.

Maxwell Award - Best all-around player
Actual nominees: Mark Ingram (Alabama), Tim Tebow (Florida), Colt McCoy (Texas)
My nominees: Suh, Ingram, Toby Gerhart (Stanford)

Ingram and Gerhart are close, I can accept either one as the Heisman winner. My personal preference is Gerhart, but Ingram can change that if he dominates Auburn. Either way, Suh is far and away the best all-around player in college football. I bet McCoy wins this award though. Sympathy and shit.

Davey O'Brien Award - Best QB
Actual nominees: Case Keenum (Houston), Tebow, McCoy
My nominees: Keenum, Andrew Luck (Stanford), Jeremiah Masoli (Oregon)

I'm not big on these non-BCS quarterbacks who throw for 5,000 yards and 50 touchdowns against weak competition, but Keenum does have some nice comebacks and beat a potential BCS team on the road. Tebow and McCoy have no business winning this award. Keenum by default.

Outland Trophy — Best interior lineman
It's Suh. Duh. (Despite the spelling, those words don't rhyme.)

Jim Thorpe Award — Best defensive back
Actual nominees: Berry, Haden, Earl Thomas (Texas)
My nominees: Berry, Haden, Perrish Cox (Oklahoma State)

Six of one, half a dozen of the other between the two SEC guys. I actually think Cox is the best pure cover corner, but Haden and Berry get involved in the run game and are exceptional blitzers.

Doak Walker Award — Best running back
Actual nominees: — Gerhart, Ingram, C.J. Spiller (Clemson)
My nominees: — Gerhart, Ingram, Spiller

I like them in the order they are written above. But it's like 9.75, 9.7, 9.6.

Straight cash homie

+12















+9.5















+6.5










-8






I'm a fan of three other Big 10 home pups this week as well: Northwestern +7, Indiana +3 and Michigan St. +3.

BYU beats the hell out of Air Force every year, but I think this year taking 10 points with the Flyboys is the right way to go. Wouldn't be a bit surprised with an outright victory for AFA.

Hate to say it, but I think Texas Tech getting 6.5 at home from the inept Oklahoma offense (ignore last week, that may as well have been against a deaf and blind school) is very generous.

A pissed-off Houston team at -23.5 is a bargain against a hapless Memphis team. The Cougars won't be able to stop scoring.

But LFC -115 may be the best bet of the day. The Reds will re-assert themselves as a legitimate top four contender and show Man City still has some work to do to be on that level.

Coty Blanchard > Chuck Norris

A while back I received a 50-cent piece in change after a late-night run to McDonald’s. That led to my posting this on Twitter:

I've answered no to the question, "You want me to go down on you?" but I'll never answer no to "You want a half-dollar?"

I was exaggerating. Mildly. After much struggling, I think I can envision a scenario where I refuse a 50-cent piece. But I could never pass up the opportunity to praise Coty Blanchard.

Thus, I knew what I had to do when I received this message from co-Blanchard devotee/co-worker Kevin Jeffers: Just filed the most dick-sucking coty blanchard story ever.

Watching Coty Blanchard throw a pass is enough to bring a straight man to orgasm.

In fact, if I was gay and Justin Timberlake and Coty Blanchard both wanted me … sorry Justin. I loved “Dick in a Box”, “Mother Lover” and even admit that I like a lot of your music, you're absurdly attractive, but c’mon, it’s Coty Blanchard.

Coty Blanchard has 4.4.4 speed. He can run the 40-meter dash in 4.4 seconds with 4 defenders latched onto him.

One time I saw Coty Blanchard break two tackles at the line of scrimmage, plow over the middle linebacker, stiff arm one defensive back and then outrun the rest of the defensive backs for a 65-yard touchdown. That’s not even hyperbole, just pure awesomeness.

Western Kentucky would be #1 in the nation if Coty Blanchard was playing quarterback. Instead of being 0 and 10, the Hilltoppers would be 47 and -37.

I would rather Coty Blanchard start for Oklahoma next year than Sam Bradford. (And I would rather slit my wrists than watch Landry Jones ever take another snap in a Sooner uniform.)

We’ll find out how good a coach Tripp Curry is next year working with Matthew Banks at Gadsden City. That’s the equivalent of banging Roseanne a year after you were banging Emmanuelle Chriqui.

Coty Blanchard is to Centre, Ala. what Brett Favre is to Green Bay, Wis. Elvis is to Tupelo, Miss.